Well I don't know about you but this race made me sick. Literally. (And when I say literally I mean literally not metaphorically which, strangely, is what most people mean when they say literally). Half way through this race, I could stand it no longer and I spent the last 30 laps calling God on the great white telephone. (He of course was busy driving the #1 Ferrari so obviously I got no response).

OK, I must admit that while I did literally get sick during the course of this race I cannot scientifically prove that there was a causal relationship between the two events. And the fact that all three of my kids have been violently ill in the last four days may tend to suggest that there was another more likely cause for my distress.

Of course, watching the last half of the race would have been no picnic either. Two weeks ago I predicted that we'd have to wait six weeks before we could start be-moaning the lack of close, exciting races. Does anybody mind if I start early? Obviously this was a pretty boring race if:

(a) you're not a Ferrari fan
and
(b) you cared about who won.

If you are also

(c) a McLaren fan

then you may be suffering from the same stomach bug that I was or it could be that Formula One is bad for your health.

THE START

Actually the race wasn't all that bad as modern day races go. The first 15 seconds were even fairly exciting as we watched Michael Schumacher make his first straight start (without the aid of launch control) in a decade. This time it was Montoya who awoke groggily from a sound slumber as the lights went out and took off for the first corner like a drunken Scotsman chasing his tamoshanter across the moors.

"Hard left, ramming speed, where'd that damn Spanish chappy go? Oh oh. Hard right. Oh oh! What's that curvy thing coming up there? Accelerate through the corner, isn't that what they say?"

(Speaking of drunken Scotsmen, David Coulthard was a last minute scratch from the race and did not take compete. He was last seen chasing his tamoshanter across the moors).

Unfortunately the start pretty much marked the end of the excitement. The Ferraris took off into the distance and the order of the first three did not change after the first second of the race. Fisi and Heidfeld had a good battle but the Italian dived into the pits early to put a stop to that and while there were some other on track passes, we missed most of those because we were watching pit stops. The pit stops were particularly exceptional though - never seen such sophisticated race machinery looking quite so unbelievably...stationary....before. And thanks to the increased pit lane speed limit, which I'm sure the Jordan mechanics really appreciate, and the removal of the pit lane chicane, we were fortunate to be regaled with 50% more stationary F1 cars than last year. If this trend continues we may finally achieve effective cost reductions as engines become unnecessary.

WHAT A DIFFERENCE A DECADE MAKES

I think it's pretty safe to say that NASCAR is not held in high esteem round these here parts. So from time to time, when the expletives in my mailbox exceed a safe limit, I'll probably launch a pre-emptive strike on NASCAR just to substantiate my legitimate European racing heritage bona fides and score a few Brownie points.

Here in the U.S. our Formula One channel, Speed TV, has come up with a nice addition to the schedule on race day - Formula One Decade. All season long we'll get to see highlights of the corresponding fixture from 10 years ago. (Two thumbs way up for Speed TV for this gem of an idea). This weekend it was the 1994 Brazilian GP. It's amazing how the more things change, the more they stay the same. This was the first race in over 10 years where re-fueling was allowed during pit stops. Needless to say, the race was won in the pits. By Michael Schumacher no less. Jos Verstappen crashed out and Ukyo Katayama earned two points for Tyrrell. OK, so some things have changed.

What struck me most was that 10 years ago, the technology existed to provide some limited real time telemetry for the viewers at home. It has taken a mere 10 years and the dawn of a new millennium for F1 to discover that they can indeed provide some information to their fans without, say, Ron Dennis's head exploding. You never know, give their boffins another decade or so and they may even figure out how to transmit live radio communications on the air too.

RALF PUTS BRAIN IN GEAR

Apparently Ralf Schumacher came up with a good idea this week - must be trying to shake that Stupid Schumacher Brother label. Ralf has suggested that the teams be required to post their fuel numbers. By letting race fans know how much fuel they're carrying during qualifying, we will be able to see whether Jaguar's front row qualifying effort is due to a light fuel load or divine inspiration.

Now this is such an exceptionally good idea that it is highly unlikely that it originated with anybody actually in the sport. No it is much more likely that Ralf was misquoted, misunderstood and taken out of context. I think that he probably suggested that F1 post the fool numbers, for example:

Number of fools that own F1 teams           9
How many fools does it take to run F1       1
Number of people who work for the FIA       About half of them

KEEPING IT KLIEN

As every English-speaking commentator in the world has probably beaten me to the punch already, I hereby undertake not to make any jokes about Mr. Clean. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, we all discovered this week that Klien is pronounced like 'clean' and not like Calvin. As there is a popular cleaning product called 'Mr. Clean' this has been the subject of great mirth and hilarity throughout the weekend. I refuse to be drawn into such childishness and simply look down on those who would stoop to such unsophisticated humor. Especially as their media outlets let out before mine does!

Such humor is particularly inappropriate given the Austrian's influential fan club. The Reverend Jerry Falwell has declared that the Jaguar driver is clearly divinely inspired given that he is not just clean, he is Christian Klien.

DESPERATELY SEEKING SAND

This season The Insider will be desperately seeking a successor to the dearly departed Jos Verstappen. This week's contender is Felipe Massa for a perfectly executed 360 and a brief departure across the curb onto the grass. Whilst this was the best effort of the weekend, the perfect spin recovery without ever leaving the track means that the young Brazilian must try much harder if he wants to replace Jos the Boss as Felipe the Jefe. (That does have a nice ring to it though so we may have to consider Felipe the favorite at this point).

AND FINALLY

Full marks to Ferrari and Schumacher for a thoroughly well deserved walkover. Now having said that could you please cut it out. It really is boring. I would think that it's even getting boring for Ferrari fans at this point although I can't be sure of that as none of the teams I follow have ever won their championship five times is a row. (Although I am an Arsenal fan so check back with me in 2008).

Maybe it's time we started implementing some changes to spice things up a little. What would NASCAR do? How about awarding points for the prettiest color scheme. Points for qualifying. Points for talking to the media (without lying, prevaricating or dissembling - although you can mention your sponsor).

What would NASCAR do? How about taking all those points away right before the end of the season? Maybe we could give them to charity of something.