Michael Schumacher Granted Restraining Order against Ross Brawn "Isn't he just great!" sighs Ferrari's Technical Director Modena, Italy. Five times Formula One World Champion Michael Schumacher went to court this week to get a restraining order against an English man he claims has been stalking him for much of the year. Schumacher was granted a restraining order on Monday against Ross Brawn, the technical director of the Ferrari F1 racing team, whose admiration of the German superstar has frequently overstepped the limit. "The restraining order will of course affect our technical meetings in the future," said Jean Todt, Mr. Brawn's employer, "but it must be said that Ross has barely been getting any work done during the last few races, spending most meetings staring at Michael and waving at him when Michael looked up from the telemetry." According to Ferrari insiders the management first became aware of the problem earlier this year when Schumacher began complaining about Brawn chatting too much on the pit-to-car radio during races. Brawn, who until now has handled all race communication with the World Champion, is said to have filled the airwaves with questions about how Michael was feeling, what was his favourite food, what he was wearing and at one point during the Italian Grand Prix even burst into a spontaneous rendering of Tina Turner's hit "You're simply the best, better than all the rest!" "We expect everything to return to normal pretty soon," Todt concluded. "We've told Ross that he is just not allowed to give Michael a hug after race wins anymore."
The US GP Photo Review Painfully shy team owner Peter Sauber warned after the Indy race that any future podium finishes will result in immediate dismissal from the team. The management of the Indianapolis Motor Speedway apologised to the Ferrari team and Michael Schumacher personally after the podium ceremony, and promised that next year no advertising logos would be covered with fly paper.		Irish Investors Buy Jordan a Steak Dublin, Ireland. A consortium of investors has purchased a 250gr steak for starving JordanF1 team owner Eddie Jordan, it was announced today. Merrion Capital group confirmed that the feast has taken place, with the consortium also purchasing potatoes, salad and gravy on the side for Eddie. John Conroy, chief executive of Merrion Capital, said: "The new investors were impressed by Eddie Jordan's song and dance routine outside the window of a local restaurant and all agreed that the ability to play both the drums, guitar and a mouth organ at the same time was worthy of a bone." Team principal Eddie Jordan added: "I would firstly like to thank 'The Limp Dog' restaurant for allowing me to perform outside of their window. Without them this savoury steak wouldn't have been possible. "Looking ahead, I very much welcome the contribution from Merrion to me and I am very excited to have a stable platform for performing and to proudly wave the Irish flag outside the restaurant in the future." Eddie Jordan sold 40 percent of the team to investment company Warburg Pincus in 1999, when Jordan were in the top three in the World Championship. A spokesman for Merrion declined to be drawn on how much was paid for the steak.
Jackie and Paul Stewart Flee Angry Montoya Fans "The Stewarts destroyed Montoya's race," shouts angry mob Indianapolis, USA. Former team principals Jackie and Paul Stewart barely escaped a mob of angry Montoya fans at last week's US Grand Prix race, when it was announced on the circuit's loudspeaker system that the Stewards had penalised Juan Pablo Montoya for his collision with Ferrari driver Rubens Barrichello. According to witnesses, a mass of Montoya fans ran, fists waving, into the paddock area immediately after the announcement and headed towards Jackie and Paul Stewart who at the time were in front of the Jaguar pit area comparing tartan skirts, totally unaware of their impending doom. "If it had not been for Renault test driver and fellow Scot Allan McNish shouting 'Aye! Jackie boy, Run to the hills!' I dare not think what might have happened," said one witness. The screaming mob was last seen running into the distance and heading towards the Canadian border.   SIDEBAR Bridgestone Fly 6,000 native American rain-dancers to Suzuka Honda "Suzuka Special" engine promises 1% more power, 99% less reliability Sir Terry Rowduck "Yellow safety flags? In the golden days the only flags we saw were white flags of surrender when Stirling lapped the Ferraris" Renault R24 Development delayed as Heidi Klum dries hair in Renault windtunnel

About the author:
Reginald Kincaid was born on 30th November 1912. Following graduation from the Royal Military College in Sandhurst he was commissioned in the Forth Hussars in February 1931. While stationed in Egypt with his brigade in 1934, he led the famous "Elgar" high speed camel expeditions that explored and documented the vast sand seas of Libya. In his own words he soon after became addicted to the "fine art of travelling fast" but exchanged camels for cars. Kincaid's exploits in European motor racing became legendary after being documented in his best selling biography "Racing with a stiff upper lip". Reginald Kincaid retired in 1991 and has been covering motor racing ever since. He now lives in Surrey, England, and tends to his hobby of beekeeping.