ATLAS F1 - THE JOURNAL OF FORMULA ONE MOTORSPORT
The Formula One Insider

By Mitch McCann, USA
Atlas F1 Magazine Writer


NORMAL SERVICE HAS BEEN RESUMED

Well it was nice while it lasted wasn't it? After a brief respite in Monaco, Formula One has again staked its claim to sole possession of the words ‘predictable' and ‘boring'. And unfortunately it has now reached the point where not only are the races predictable and boring, but everything written about them is predictable and boring including complaining that they're predictable and boring. In fact, it could even be said that I am predictable and full of sponge cake. The only thing left to do is to look for alternatives.

TOP TEN THINGS TO DO INSTEAD OF WATCHING FORMULA ONE

Here are the Insider's best suggestions of how to most fruitfully spend the two hours which you previously devoted to watching F1.

10. Rinse, lather, repeat as often as necessary.

9. Spend more time with the one you love. (Don't let your spouse find out).

8. Call Jarno Trulli for the name of his hairdresser and make an appointment for your poodle.

7. Go to church. Pray for Michael Schumacher's retirement.

6. Mow the lawn. Better yet, mow my lawn.

5. Devote the time to charity. (If you know of any charities that need semi-comatose men to sit on a couch for two hours, please let me know).

4. Learn a new skill such as wiggling your ears or driving a Minardi at full speed.

3. Call Jarno Trulli's hairdresser and tell him you were only kidding. Why would you want your poodle to look like that!!

2. Determine problem with Mercedes engine and advise McLaren accordingly. With remainder of two hours, bake a cake.

1. Make a list of 10 things you could be doing if you weren't so busy making lists.

RUBENS RHUBARB RHUBARB

The number 1A driver at Ferrari is still having some trouble expressing himself so once again, The Insider is going to help out with a little additional translation as a service to the F1 community.

"Yesterday, we felt Michael was a bit quicker"

Which is unusual but, you know, if that's what the team thinks, well, I'm a company man.

"So rather than aiming to try and get second place on the grid and start on the dirty side"

We decided to aim for a spot further down the grid as 7th is much better than 2nd.

"Running two stops almost worked as I went from seventh to second"

And actually now that I think about it, 2nd is better than 7th.

"But it was not good enough to take first place"

Because that would be one more and 2nd is better than 1st.

"I had a good start and took the first corner cleanly with Jenson (Button) but I think I might have touched a Renault"

I realize that this is a whole new definition of taking the first corner cleanly but it was only a Renault after all.

"I had to push quite hard when I was in traffic and that was hurting the tyres a bit"

Michael doesn't have traffic.

"I think Sato's move was a bit amateur. Luckily I just saw his nose..."

He has the cutest little button nose.

"...and moved over"

Otherwise we might have almost not collided.

"After the incident, I lost part of my bargeboard"

It's probably in the same place as the Jaguar diamond.

"And it was lucky the race was in its final stages as it affected the handling"

The aerodynamicists were thrilled as it is generally believed that bargeboards are just a job creation scheme on the part of the engineering department.

"It took me a couple of laps to assess what the car was doing"

It was sort of going BRMMMM, BRMMMMM and the round things at the corners were going round and round and round and.......

"And then the team told me to push again as Jenson was closing"

So I got out and pushed but I'm not sure how that was supposed to help.

IN BRIEF

  • It is encouraging to see that the FIA may have come up with a solution to the high degree of boredom pervading F1 these days. Obviously there is a much better chance of a good race every couple of weeks if we schedule a race every week.

  • Nice to see Sato at least making the effort this week. His braking into the first corner after the start was incredible and although the move on Barrichello was a little optimistic and ended in tears, at least he was trying. However, one important point. If we are to have a successful Japanese driver in F1 I think that our commentators should become a little more familiar with some Japanese terms before they start slinging them around willy-nilly. His attempt on Barrichello was a ‘banzai' move. A bonsai is a very small tree.

  • Patrick Head has relinquished his title of Technical Driver and has moved sideways into the newly created position of Director of Not Having Anything At All To Do With The Drivers Ever (And I Mean It, Patrick).

  • Williams' new Director of Not Having Anything At All To Do With The Drivers Ever (And I Mean It, Patrick) had no comment about Montoya's first corner collision with Ralf Schumacher although from his facial expression and the twitching at the corner of his eye it was clear that he was unimpressed with JPM's efforts to avoid colliding with a Ferrari by using his teammate's car as a brake.

  • Seems the F1 teams have reached agreement to switch to a V8 formula instead of the current V10. Supposedly this is part of their cost cutting measures as designing a brand new engine from scratch is bound to be much cheaper than building on the years of experience they already have with V10s. That and the fact that they'll save a couple of gallons of gas which, over the course of a season, could add up to tens of dollars.

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    Volume 10, Issue 22
    June 2nd 2004

    Atlas F1 Exclusive

    Interview with Anthony Davidson
    by David Cameron

    Bjorn Wirdheim: Going Places
    by Bjorn Wirdheim

    Ann Bradshaw: Point of View
    by Ann Bradshaw

    2004 European GP Review

    2004 European GP Review
    by Pablo Elizalde

    Technical Review: Europe 2004
    by Craig Scarborough

    Deutschland Unter Alles
    by Karl Ludvigsen

    Team Players
    by Richard Barnes

    Stats Center

    Qualifying Differentials
    by Marcel Borsboom

    SuperStats
    by David Wright

    Charts Center
    by Michele Lostia

    Columns

    The F1 Insider
    by Mitch McCann

    Season Strokes
    by Bruce Thomson

    Elsewhere in Racing
    by David Wright & Mark Alan Jones

    The Weekly Grapevine
    by Dieter Rencken



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