Williams sign Connie Montoya for 2005

"We really don't care where her husband will be,” say elderly Williams and BMW executives

Grove, England. Frank Williams, the CEO of WilliamsF1 Racing, today announced the signing of Connie Montoya as a team's driver and all around "good looker" for the 2005 season.

"Patrick, Mario, Gerhard and myself agreed after a lengthy 30 second deliberation to sign Connie for the 2005 season," said Williams. "She will spend the 2004 season getting her driver's license in preparation for a full season of racing the year after.

"We are of course first and foremost an engineering team - as was shown when the team mechanics voted unanimously for Connie."

According to Williams, Connie Montoya will be at the forefront of development immediately next year when she'll be testing a number of new lightweight and tight racing suits in front of the BMW Williams board of directors.

Juan Pablo Montoya tours McLaren's catering facilities Lavish deserts and tasty Sauerkraut impress star driver Stuttgart, Germany Newly signed McLaren Mercedes driver Juan Pablo Montoya wasted no time in getting to know his future racing team when he visited McLaren's catering facilities earlier today. Immediately after signing a contract with the McLaren Formula One team, the young Colombian packed his lunch and flew to Germany to meet with McLaren and Mercedes executives in Stuttgart, Germany. He walked past the outstretched hand of Adrian Newey and directly into to the team's kitchen. "I think it is very important to get immediately involved with your team, if you intend to be competitive," said Montoya to a group of visiting journalists. "At Williams there was hardly any competition at all as Ralf only really ate vegetables, allowing me total and exclusive use of the buffet." McLaren's CEO Ron Dennis was, according to witnesses, highly impressed with Montoya's aggressive "consuming of foods" and even applauded when his new signing accidentally ate one of the team's test drivers - thereby shrinking the company's payroll. "The McLaren situation will be a lot more difficult, as I'll be competing against a true buffet veteran in the shape of Norbert Haug," Montoya added. "It'll be a hard fought battle but that is what I like and that is what makes Formula One so tasty."

SIDEBAR Jaguar F1 Shootout misunderstanding leaves 3 treated for gunshot wounds Michael Schumacher forced to Miss Universe training Sir Terry Rowduck "I'll raise an eyebrow if Williams doesn't offer Stirling a racing seat for 2005" Kimi Raikkonen to hibernate in Lapland until Melbourne

Canadian prime minister flies back to Canada and declares Grand Prix secure "for our time"

Montreal, Canada. The Prime Minister of Canada announced today upon arrival from Europe that a compromise had been reached with Bernie Ecclestone, ensuring the safety of the Canadian Grand Prix for the foreseeable future.

"We - Bernie Ecclestone and myself - have had a further meeting today and are agreed in recognizing that the question of Canadian Grand Prix is of the first importance for fans and all Canadians," said the Canadian Prime Minister to a group of cheering Canadians as he stepped off his plane and onto the runway.

"We regard the agreement signed last night as symbolic of the desire of the Canadian people and Ecclestone to stage this Grand Prix."

"I have in my hand a piece of paper that will guarantee a Grand Prix every summer. Now go home and get a nice quiet sleep," the perky Canadian Prime Minister said before waving the agreement into the air as the gathered crowd cheered him wildly.

Bernie Ecclestone was unavailable for comment but did say that he doesn't remember signing anything.

About the author:
Reginald Kincaid was born on 30th November 1912. Following graduation from the Royal Military College in Sandhurst he was commissioned in the Forth Hussars in February 1931. While stationed in Egypt with his brigade in 1934, he led the famous "Elgar" high speed camel expeditions that explored and documented the vast sand seas of Libya. In his own words he soon after became addicted to the "fine art of travelling fast" but exchanged camels for cars. Kincaid's exploits in European motor racing became legendary after being documented in his best selling biography "Racing with a stiff upper lip". Reginald Kincaid retired in 1991 and has been covering motor racing ever since. He now lives in Surrey, England, and tends to his hobby of beekeeping.