The Formula One Insider

	by Mitchell McCann, U.S.A.

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO GO BACK ON THE WEBSITE… The Insider brings you a special report proving that a slow news day doesn't mean you can't just make stuff up. That's what reporters do half the time anyway but now you don't have to guess which half is which. The entire staff of Insider Corp. Inc. (except for Al Pacino who still hasn't put in a full day's work here at Insider Towers) has swung into creative mode and is ready to bring you off-season reports that are so exciting they'll make a McLaren launch look like a Spice Girls' concert. We'll be dipping into the mailbag to see what Insider readers really think or at least, what they write. (There does not necessarily seem to be a direct correlation between the two in all cases). There'll be games and competitions with fantastic prizes but, as the rules do not state that I am ineligible, I wouldn't get your hopes up too high. And don't forget the extra special report on the Daytona 500 - the first major event after a long off-season which will have even the most snobbish F1 fan tuning in for a little look at something that vaguely resembles motor racing. The biggest disappointment of the off-season so far is of course the Senna trial. This had promised to be a spectacular re-hash of the judicial navel-gazing that had warmed the hearts of so many F1 fans for so long. But after the appeal started on Friday, we had just three short days of wild speculation and unwarranted name-calling and abuse before the result of the appeal was announced and we were forced to return to the winter-long contemplation of whether Senna was better than Fangio. NIGHT OF A THOUSAND AWARDS Fortunately for all of us, the end of the regular season means the opening of awards season and I am pleased to announce that Prost has been named the Greatest Motor Sports Driver of the Century. I'm so pleased that we've finally settled that one. I hear that traffic on the bulletin boards is down 85% now that this topic is no longer open to debate. Of course another factor in the decrease in bulletin board noise is the announcement of Marc Gene as Spanish Driver of the Year. This has of course squelched all discussion as to whether Gene is better than .... oh, you know, the other guy. The Spanish one. Drives a lot. Comes from Barcelona. Has a hamster called Basil.... And while Eddie Irvine was runner-up in the F1 World Drivers Championship he missed out on the big one altogether. The spoils of 3rd place go to Eddie Jordan as he picks up a 1999 People of the Year Award. Way to go Eddie and congratulations on being a great People. (I'm sure the fact that the adjudicating panel was chaired by the editor of the Farmers' Journal had something to do with it but I can't think of a joke to explain it). Mike Gascoyne picked up the Autocar award for motorsport which is fortunate really because his contributions to the wickerwork industry were woefully lacking this year. Michael Schumacher received the award for best actor in a supporting role although there was clearly a lot more acting than there was supporting. Best Screenplay went to the FIA Court of Appeals with Doug Flutie a close second. Nick Wirth announced his resignation from Benetton leaving them with the title of Most Wirth-less Team and Bernie Ecclestone won Boy Most Likely To Succeed. (Max got Most Likely To Suck). DOOBEY OR NOT DUBAI Our beloved leader, Eccles, has been smoking again and is in negotiations with Dubai regarding a possible Dubaian?….Dubian?…..Dubaiish?…… Grand Prix of Dubai. Of course, the drivers are not going to be in favor of this as the penalty for speeding in the pitlane is likely to be having your right foot chopped off. But Bernie can smell a silver lining in a camel's outhouse and the fact that Dubai sits atop an ocean of liquid gold may have a little more influence over F1's head waiter than the ten bucks I sent him to buy a goldfish. Anybody want to take a guess as to whether tobacco advertising is allowed there? Actually, I'm kind of looking forward to the first GP of Dubai. I can't wait to see what they do for pit babes and is Melinda Messenger still hanging around Jordan? Either of them? The celebratory 2-litre bottle of Pepsi should make for an interesting change while Irvine's performance will give us an idea of what would happen if he only had to deal with one set of curves every weekend. And watching the crème-de-la-phlegm in the corporate compound going a whole weekend without even a drop of Chateau Soixante-neuf de Papsmear will make standing in line at the porta-potties in Montreal so much more bearable OTHER NEWS... In other startling news, Colin McRae has revealed that he is not interested in F1. Which is lucky because F1 doesn't seem to be particularly interested in Colin McRae. He and Olivier Panis are considering founding an association for people who are not interested in F1 and have extended an open invitation to Jos Verstappen. Of course, I'd love to see McRae and his brother in F1 because then I'd be able to make all sorts of jokes about the McRae twins - Ronnie and Reggie's long-lost cousins. (Ask a Londoner). F1 TEAMS FOR SALE. ONLY MULTI-BILLION DOLLAR INTERNATIONAL CAR MAKERS NEED APPLY BMW has announced that they will leave the decision regarding drivers to Williams. How nice of the tail to allow itself to be wagged. This sort of announcement will become more and more frequent as Williams/BMW, McLaren/Mercedes and BAR/Honda lead the rest of the F1 grid into their new world order. The announcements from the corporate suits regarding these types of decisions will become more demonstrative and contain more imperatives as the naming system of F1 is changed and BMW-Williams, MERCEDES-McLaren and JAGUAR become the norm. As the helpful suggestions of the teams' leading sponsors become imperial decrees, the names Williams, McLaren, Jordan and the rest will become part of F1 folklore just as the names Tyrrell and Cosworth are today. Is this a change for the better? What do I look like? The Amazing Kreskin? Although I don't know the answer, I do of course have an opinion. You may not agree with me but you do of course have the right to be wrong. Many regard the days of the walk-up winners with their off the shelf Cosworths as the golden age of the sport. Based on the responses to my comments regarding Minardi being the current embodiment of that spirit, it seems that many people still yearn for those days. While Frank Williams, Ron Dennis and Jackie Stewart himself do not today resemble, for example, the championship winning team that Ken Tyrrell assembled, they are at least of that ilk and era. Most of them (aside from Pollock whose qualifications for F1 leadership do not even stand up against mine) are racers themselves at some level - Stewart and Prost are world champions. Sometimes, they let a slip a hint of their heritage and their racing pedigree and they do or say something that doesn't make the average fan's stomach turn. I have little faith in the current F1 administration and many of the team owners/managers but I'd rather the devil I know. I don't think I want my sport in the hands of the marketing gurus at corporate head office who turned down a job at "Tide with bleach" in order to turn NASCAR into the world's fastest growing spectator sport.

Mitch McCann	© 1999 Kaizar.Com, Incorporated.
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