The Formula One Insider
Try reading this standing in a newsagents.	by Mitchell McCann, U.S.A.

LUXEMBOURG - annexing Nurburg since 1997. HAKKINEN SCHUMACHERS SCHUMACHER You've got to tip your hat to Hakkinen for this one. In an inferior car, at least on the evidence of both Ferraris and McLarens qualifying positions, Mika wins with a display of superior driving and tactics. Poor Michael. Didn't he look really sick after the race? Not surprising really as he'd been up all Saturday night practicing his victorious double pump salute and learning the words to the Italian national anthem. This one clearly came as a shock to him and doubly so as the key to Mika's victory was staying out an extra couple of laps and throwing in a couple of belters. Reportedly, Schumacher is hoping to turn the tables in Japan by studying McLaren's tactics and will therefore presumably blow up halfway through the race. HAKKINEN FOR PRESIDENT Is it just me or is Mika Hakkinen becoming more and more presidential at each interview? After a great drive on Sunday we got to listen to Mika doing his Clinton impression (coincidentally, they're both Finnished). INTERVIEWER (we're not quite sure whose son this one is but we're pretty sure he's somebody's): Mika, you must be very pleased with this result. MIKA: [Pause] Emmm [Squint] [Pause] Emm...Well it depends what you mean by pleased. INTERVIEWER (checking his notes to see if he had managed to think of a second question): Were you worried when you were running behind Irvine while Schumacher was pulling away? MIKA: [Pause] [Pick nose. Repeat.] [Vacant look (like someone just took your last herring and its the last day of summer)] Emmm [Pause] Emmm...Worried? I don't think worried is the right word. No, worried is not the right word. I wouldn't say worried. No not worried. Why would I worry? INTERVIEWER (reviewing his notes to make sure that he hadn't asked for the last comment in Mika's own language). What testing do you have planned before Suzuka? MIKA: [Pause] [Facial grimace to indicate that he is no longer prepared to be as forthcoming as he has been to this point] [Relax facial muscles to alleviate cramp caused by grimace] Testing? What do you mean by testing. I don't think testing is the right word. No, testing is not the right word....... INTERVIEWER: (reviewing his application to the London School of Economics): And now please say something in a foreign language. MIKA: English is a foreign language, kipper-face. [Snort] [Big grin] [Bigger snort] [Pause] OPEN LETTER FROM JOS After my open letter to Jos in the last issue, it was nice to receive a reply from the great man himself. No not Jackie Stewart, Jos. Dear Ian Snider (I think Jos uses a 2400 modem, I guess he just doesn't like things too fast - MM). Thank you for your support - I'll wear it always. I was pleased to hear of your on, and off, track excursions. As you know, I made a great effort to stay on the black stuff in Luxembourg. Unfortunately, the race was in Germany. Well at least I kept it pointed in the right direction. Although Mr Stewart said the back of Barrichello's car was not the right direction to be pointing. I pointed out that pointing out my shortcomings did not point towards a long-lasting relationship and Mr Stewart agreed and pointed to the door. It was a revolving door. It hit me in the arse on my way out. Good job I stocked up on paper clips and staples. Let me know if you ever need a partner for karting. Your friend Jos P.S. About that janitorial job. Do you pay a mileage allowance? EDITORIAL So I'm going to repeat myself a little bit - must've been the garlic prawns. But I can't help it. Great race Sunday. Good guys, bad guys, wannabe guys, used to be guys, Jos.... Passing, excitement, tension but what didn't we get? A competitive pass for the lead on the track! Yes, I'm talking about pit-stops again. Just another example of a race that would've been better without the pit-stops. Sure it was nail-biting as Hakkinen pulled out after his first stop and nobody knew whether Mika would hit Michael or Michael would hit Mika (wonder of wonders, the usual surfeit of gravitational force that applies to F1 cars was apparently cancelled out by the gravitational field surrounding Jacques' ego). But wouldn't it have been even better if there had been no pit-stops and we had gotten to watch Hakkinen slowly reeling in Schumacher and then a true mano-a-mano, on the track, face to face, rock'em sock'em, loser-has-to-work-with-Stallone, fight to the finish? But I guess that just wouldn't be motor racing. COMPETITION Again, nobody took any notice of the rules and everyone was disqualified, this time for not being funnier than me. Therefore, Wayne O'Neil of Folsom, CA will not be receiving a visit from Bernie in full Masonic regalia and matching panties for: "If a win isn't our fate, slow down on the straight." Wayne tells me that he thought of this line and it was not, nor should it be construed to have been, lest it should be implied, implicitly or otherwise, otherwise, thought of by Intel, their subsidiaries, functionaries, reactionaries or tributaries. Furthermore, Intel denies all knowledge of Wayne and wants its parking spot back. This week's competition is to try and guess whether I'll even remember that I held a competition five weeks from now. AND FINALLY A woman is just a woman but a good cigar is Presidential.

Mitch McCann	© 1998 Atlas Formula One Journal.
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