The Formula One Insider
We don't make the news. We make the news better.	by Mitchell McCann, U.S.A.

JAPAN - where tartar sauce comes in sushi sachets and nobody with a lisp ever asks for one. WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW CAN'T HURT YOU Despite the fact that virtually nobody reading this got to see the race at a reasonable time of day, you all know what happened; you all know the result. What you may not know are the seven most surprising things about the 1998 Grand Prix of Japan: Number 7 - I could only think of 6. Number 6 - Mika cried. Number 5 - Michael Schumacher was upset that the result hinged on a movement of a couple of inches. Corinna was upset that this was the first time that Michael acknowledged that the movement of a couple of inches could be important. Number 4 - The post-race driver interviews did not take place in the Grand Canyon. Number 3 - Ricardo Rosset was sorely missed. Number 2 - Goodyear tyres blow and suck. And the most surprising thing about the 1998 Grand Prix of Japan: It wasn't run in Singapore. TO FINISH FIRST, YOU MUST FIRST START Michael Schumacher and the newly reconstituted Italian fire drill pit-crew took all the oomph out of the season finale by really cocking it up before the race even started. Schumacher's clutch problems were caused by overheating which can be traced to the fact that the Ferrari mechanics were very slow getting dry ice into the sidepods after the first aborted start and the fact that Schumacher then proceeded to drive the second parade lap like he had a plane to catch while Irvine was lollygaging along just above the minimum speed limit holding up the rest of the field. Depending on whether you're a Schumacher fan or not, this is either the third time that he has made a critical mistake in the final and deciding round of a championship, or clear evidence that those responsible for awarding the title of The Palooka In Suzuka are not as witty, charming, erudite and incredibly good looking as they would have you believe. ROCCO ROLLS OVER, SITS UP, LIES DOWN, PLAYS DEAD Apparently I was wrong when I predicted that Rocco's first moves would be to take a nap and then change the pit-crew's uniforms. Turns out that his first moves were to take his team out of the Big 4 for the first time in 10 years and then take a nap. Actually, I know that's grossly unfair but, hey, he got one of the best jobs in the world because his Daddy owns the company - he can afford to take a couple of cheap shots. Reports that Rocco made Wurz and Fisichella wear red noses and big shoes were totally erroneous even if their performances made it appear otherwise. AND THIS JUST IN... An Algerian newspaper, and Dave Barry swears I'm not making this up, claims that the Schumachers are actually Algerian. Apparently, Farouk and Hassan were born in the town of Blida and changed their names after moving to Germany following their Algerian father's death. Asked for his comment, Farouk Schumacher emphatically denied the report saying: "May your goats be afflicted with the sores of a thousand whores." Unlikely as this story may sound, it does seem somewhat plausible in light of the fact that Algeria's driving test consists of driving forward six feet and then reversing six feet. This would clearly explain Hassan's early season performances. EDITORIAL Well this race certainly wasn't without incident but by recent standards it was really pretty tame. Sure, Michael got bumped from pole to the back of the grid but even the most ardent of his supporters can't really argue with the decision and at the end of the day, it didn't make any difference anyway. Even if Schumacher had caught and passed Hakkinen, Irvine clearly couldn't have prevented Mika finishing second. Funnily enough what seems to have the Schumacher/Ferrari legions up in arms is Damon Hill. Again, while passing or not passing Damon would've made no difference, it is incredible that this rivalry still provokes as much reaction today as it did in 1994. From the start of the race until lap 5, drivers had been all but throwing themselves off the road in their haste to get out of Michael's way. Then he got to Hill. I'll bet Damon had been waiting 5 laps, not to mention 4 years, for that to happen. Without weaving, blocking or lunging, Hill easily kept The Man Who Would Be King behind him for another 9 laps until he pulled in for his first pit stop. This has caused many of Schumacher's fans to cry foul but c'mon guys, get real. First of all, payback's a bitch. After Adelaide 94, Hill doesn't owe Schumacher a championship by any stretch of the imagination. And secondly, if Hill had been running first and Schumacher second, should he have moved over then to give Michael the championship? Wouldn't that have been a little unfair to Hill, Jordan and Eddie Jordan, not to mention Mika Hakkinen? The same goes for the situation as was. It would've been unfair to Damon and his team, not to mention Hakkinen, for Hill to voluntarily give up points. If this was supposed to be a race only between the two contenders, why did they let the other 19 cars on the track? COMPETITION The competition last time was to predict the controversial decision, incident or ruling that would decide the outcome of the championship. Unfortunately, the actual answer was "Mika won" which is not really controversial but I would've accepted blown tyres or blown starts as a pretty good guess. Several people went to great lengths to expound upon huge conspiracy theories and Wayne O'Neil even went as far as to suggest that Verstappen would finish but I have to give the nod to Bob Pearson who predicted no accidents. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to withhold the fabulous prize pending a final decision as to whether it was Tuero/Takagi debris that caused Schumacher's tyre to blow. This week's competition: who has their pride and who needs the money, Arrows or Minardi? In other words, where will Rosset be next year? Answers in Gaelic to the usual address. AND FINALLY... I've run out of things to say

Mitch McCann	© 1998 Atlas Formula One Journal.
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