ISSUE TWO   (Guzundheit)

BYLINE: She's beautiful but he's prettier.

FIA ACHIEVES PERFECTION

Despite their impressive track record, nobody ever thought that the FIA would achieve 100% perfection in the area of stupid decisions. But they have. Following Ferrari's protest of McLaren's, and others, new braking systems, the FIA banned the systems from the Friday practice sessions pending a final decision later in the day. This is, of course, a stunning display of stupidity. No matter what happens, this decision will be wrong. If the systems are ruled legal, McLaren will have been punished for no reason. If the systems are deemed illegal, McLaren will have been given the benefit of practicing in race conditions despite the fact that they've been cheating up until now. Oh well. Dems de brakes.

And what about Ferrari's new race tactics? Lose the race on Sunday, protest on Monday. Could it be that Ferrari is preparing an America's Cup entry? They're certainly getting some practice in. It is believed that their legal department is now bigger than their R&D department, and it has certainly been more successful. They did however drop the ball this weekend. Ferrari protested the use of team orders and Schumacher and Irvine have been disqualified.

TIMING AND SCORING

Many viewers have noticed that the timing information presented in the last two races has been severely lacking. Qualifying for Brazil was the worst with no split times, no speed traps and no indication of standings until half way through the press conference. The FIA has explained that this is due to McLaren's superiority which renders their sophisticated timing equipment useless. The gaps can now be measured with the little hand on Max's Mickey Mouse watch, with the exception of the Jordan team. Damon Hill was timed with a calendar, (he is expected to complete his qualifying lap any day now) and Ralf will be timed only when he completes a lap.

Ferrari has lodged a protest.

MIKA SLIPPED MICHAEL A MICKEY

Michael Schumacher took a tumble on the podium while trying to catch up with Hakkinen. It seems he drank not just his own Magnum but half of Hakkinen's too. Schumacher claimed that he never drinks and drives because he spills too much going round the corners. In an effort to make podium ceremonies safer, the FIA has banned champagne and will, in future, use Lucozade.

Ferrari has lodged a protest.

FERRARI PROTESTS

For those of you keeping score, here is a list of all the things that have been protested by Ferrari: McBrakes, McEngines, McChassis, McDonalds, McLaren (team), McLaren (Bruce), McLaren (friends and relatives of), team orders, postal orders, finishing order, mail order, race fixing, dog fixing, burgers with all the fixin's, Adrian Newey and Uncle Tom Cobbley and all.

ITS NOT CRICKET

Well, it seems the fall-out from Melbourne has subsided. The FIA, in another Solomon-like judgment, has declared the McLaren two-step unlawful. (Or illegal or disreputable or something like that). In a statement, which apparently only makes sense to Kurdish tribesman who claim it means something like "offal is awful but liver's de rigeur," the FIA has told teams to stop doing it. "It" hasn't been closely defined and they haven't so much been told to stop doing it as to stop being so bleedin' obvious about "it." Teams may continue to do "it" as long as nobody knows. Apparently, the FIA will make a determination after each race by pulling somebody out of the grandstands at random and asking him if he knew what was going on. If he says he did, McLaren will be disqualified. Jean Todt has urged Tifosi to chant throughout the race: "We know what you're doing."

FUNNILY ENOUGH...

Whether you're now claiming to have been a life-long McLaren fan or screaming that they've been cheating and should be banned, you're still just jumping on the banned-wagon.

VERSTAPPEN TO TRY OUT WITH BENETTON

Jos Verstappen will get to try out for the Benetton test-driver's spot later this week. What do you think the test will consist of? How quickly can he get the cheque out of his wallet?

EDITORIAL

Well it seems like this season is all over bar the shouting. Looks like '88 all over again, although I'm not sure that's exactly Senna and Prost in the latest McLaren. Can anybody tell me why Schumacher is making 10 times what Newey is? Newey can make a car go faster than Schumacher can. And I'm not just saying this because the Insider predicted, in one of the very earliest editions, that losing Newey was going to be the most significant thing that ever happened to Williams. OK, so I am just saying it to blow my horn. Its not very often that The Insider is right. In fact, I think this is a first. But enough about me (yeah, right).

Seems to me the score for this season should read something like: Newey 32, Schumacher 6. Many readers have suggested ways of making this season more competitive. Bill Estill wants to ban Adrian Newey for "excessive competence not in keeping with the spirit of the regulations". Barb Petri wants to let the McDrivers watch the race from the podium. But I think a better way is to make Newey drive the McLaren and make Schumacher design the Ferrari. In fact, lets go the whole hog and make all the drivers design their own cars. We might even get something pretty functional from people like Hill and Schumacher. (Michael that is. Ralf would have trouble getting the right number of wheels). Hakkinen would have a nice looking car with a subtle blend of tasteful pastels and Eddie would at last be able to incorporate the go-faster stripe he's always wanted.

OK. It's a silly idea but its going to be a silly season.

STOP PRESS

Damon Hill has just finished the race. He was disqualified for being underweight which was, reportedly, the result of having eaten his own foot after succumbing to extreme hunger half-way down the back straight two days ago. (Please. No comments from doctors, cannibals or Weight Watchers about the effects of eating your own body weight. Thank you).

Stop readddddiiiinnnnnggggggg...............

NOW!