Issue is or issue ain't my baby?

BYLINE: By the time you get to the bottom, you'll have finished.

FERRARI PROTESTS

Not exactly news, is it? Ferrari has now protested a button on the McLaren's steering wheel. David Coulthard has, as a result, been banned from taking a drink as he goes round a corner. (Boy! I wish I hadn't already used the "because he spills too much" line).

In a bizarre coincidence, Prost filed an identically worded protest at the same time, on the same piece of paper. Many of my more cynical colleagues have chosen to believe that this is clear evidence that Prost has been putting pressure on other teams to join them in their attacks on the banned-wagons. (Now that their drink bottles have been outlawed, the McLarens will henceforth be known as the banned-flagons).

U.S. GRAND PRIX

Anybody still interested in these rumours? OK, for the three of you who are. Last week, the U.S. Grand Prix was going to have would be (please note the skillful use of the very rare conditional imperfect past plu-perfect future tense which is the only tense that should be used when discussing U.S. GP rumours) in San Francisco. Yes, the one with the trams. This week, it was going to have would be in Las Vegas. Yes the one that had a lousy US GP before. Next week, I think we're going to have would have had it here in Massachusetts. In my back yard. Round the house, down to the shed and back again. 10 second penalty if you clip my rhododendrons. Tickets for my deck go on sale tomorrow morning.

SCHUMACHER PENALIZED

Many people have questioned whether the FIA could penalize Schumacher for losing his rain-light during the course of the race. The answer is, of course, yes. But only if they want to.

FERRARI PROTESTS

For those of you keeping score, here is a list of all the things that have been protested by Ferrari: McBrakes, McEngines, McChassis, McDonalds, McLaren (team), McLaren (Bruce), McLaren (friends and relatives of), team orders, postal orders, finishing order, mail order, race fixing, dog fixing, burgers with all the fixin's, Adrian Newey and Uncle Tom Cobbley and all.

RIDE-ALONG-A-RALF

A new feature for The Insider, Ride-Along-A-Ralf takes us inside the cockpit with Ralf Schumacher during the race where we can listen into the communications between Ralf and Eddie Jordan.

EDDIE: Ralf!
RALF:  Brmmm. Brrrrmmmm. Brmmmmmm. Brrrrrrmmmmmmm. Neeeeeeeeoooowwww.
EDDIE: Ralf! Stop making engines noises. The 30 second board is out.
RALF:  32nd! I'm 32nd already. Can I stop for a rest now?
EDDIE: Pay attention, Ralf. The red lights are coming on.
RALF:  Can I have a glass of water?
EDDIE: The lights are out! GO, GO, GO!
RALF:  Now?
EDDIE: Yes, now. GO, for God's sake, GO!
RALF:  OK, OK. Keep your wig on. I'm going. Oops. After you, Damon. 
       (Mumbles) OK, what was it? Mirror, signal, maneuver.
       SORRY! My fault…Yes, I think you're number 1 too.
EDDIE: Try using 2nd gear, Ralf.

One lap later:

RALF:  WOO-HOO! The finish line. What do I do now, Eddie? 
EDDIE: Do it again. Only faster this time.
RALF:  Again? Are you sure? I've never done that before. Well if you insist.

Lap 18

RALF:  Eddie, I'm getting kind of tired. Can I park it over there and have 
       a little rest?
EDDIE: [Transmission loud, garbled and probably largely Gaelic]
RALF:  Alright, alright. I'll go round again if its that important to you.
       I'm really pretty tired though.

Lap 22

RALF:  I'm sorry, Eddie but I must insist on parking it right here. I have
       driven around this track time and time again just for you but it 
       doesn't seem to be making you any happier. I'm just going to get 
       out and go and have a little lie down for a while. Give me a call 
       tomorrow when you're in a little better mood.

I just hope all you Villeneuve and Verstappen fans are happy now that I've stopped talking about them. That was what you wanted, wasn't it? Wasn't it?

EDITORIAL

Well maybe we'll just have to un-award the 1998 championship after all. Of course, the big question now is, did Schumacher's threat to leave Ferrari for McLaren make Ferrari go quicker or McLaren go slower? It was probably something to do with the little green button but whatever it was it made for a great race. Part of the enjoyment comes from watching the mental gymnastics of Ferrari fans who want to claim that Schumacher was innocent in Argentina AND Jerez. I've personally witnessed 2 Ferrari fans disappear in a puff of their own logic trying that particular cerebral dismount. (Personally, I think this one was Coulthard's fault but I thought Jerez was Schumacher's fault so, even if I'm wrong, I am at least consistent).

But there was plenty of good unexpected stuff this weekend. Irvine holding up Diniz. (OK. That's a little unfair but that's what I'm here for). Minardi forgetting how many wheels their cars have. Hint for Imola, guys - there's one at each corner. (At least we now know what happened to the old Ferrari pit-crew). Alesi re-designing his car mid-race (is that a moveable aerodynamic device?) Michael Schumacher staying out after his curfew (he was still driving after lights out) and taking a little time to stop and smell the roses. (Is he going to do this every time he wins a race now?)

Not to mention passing, re-passing, incidents, controversy, excitement, lead changes including one on the track. Bring on the Mickey Mouse circuits!