Number than a leper on tequila slammers and Novocaine chasers.

DATELINE: Boston, MA. 9/29/97. (Hey! You try writing 18 jokes based on the word dateline!)

WRITE YOUR OWN RACE REPORT

As there is no news this week (well there is news but its very boring and if I told you, then I'd have to thrill you) and as a service to our dedicated readers, the Insider is giving you the opportunity to write your own race report. After 15 races, a definite pattern has emerged and you can now write your own report, suitable for publication in Autosport, F1 Racing or any other magazine, just by filling in a few blanks.

(NB: Once you've filled this in, DON'T send it to me - try to find somebody that cares and send it to them).

This week, the Formula One circus moves onto __________. This circuit, re-designed after that tragic weekend at Imola in 1994 (please feel free at this point to digress at great length regarding Imola 94 - see any post 94 race report for inspiration), is a pale shadow of the fearsome circuit that it used to be in the ________'s (insert favourite decade). With the (pick one):

a) addition of x chicanes
b) re-configuration of all corners to triple the size of the gravel traps
c) addition of speed bumps on the front straight

the average lap speed has been reduced to:

a) 100 mph
b) a crawl
c) the point where Katayama can keep up.

As this is a [new/old] circuit, the track is expected to be [more/less] grippy than the grass although [not as/more than] the gravel. Tyres are expected to be a factor. (Those cars without tyres are not expected to do very well). All 22 drivers, engineers, all the mechanics and all the team owners, except Briatore, think that "this is a very difficult track to pass on" and therefore:

a) qualifying is very important
b) qualifying is really, really important
c) spinning into the gravel at the first opportunity is the best way to demonstrate your ability.

(Briatore thinks that:

a) the track looks familiar but he's had that deja-vu feeling before.
b) wearing a baseball cap backwards makes you look sophisticated
c) selling insurance is the perfect preparation for a career in F1 team management.)

As the qualifying session starts, its time to go and make the tea while the Minardis are trundling around trying to impress their girlfriends by holding provisional pole. With 10 minutes left, the other 20 cars come out on the track meaning that everybody will be able to claim that they would have been on pole except they ran into traffic on their best lap. (Minardi will claim this too but nobody reads their press releases anyway).

Hakkinen quickly takes the pole until Villeneuve takes it away with a flashing, fluid, flying flap (sorry, I mean lap) 15 minutes after the session ends. At the post qualifying press conference, Hakkinen is:

a) philosophical
b) really pissed off
c) Finnish

Villeneuve is:

a) smug
b) cocky
c) really good looking, clever, witty, incisive, very hairy and did I mention good looking, eh?

Sunday afternoon and the sky is cloudless, the sun is shining and the forecast is for a drought until the millennium. Schumacher:

a) goes with wets and a full wet set-up.
b) goes home
c) goes - nudge nudge. Wink, wink. Saaaaaay no more!

Williams' meteorologist predicts:

a) Snow, sleet, tornadoes and a full moon
b) You will meet a tall, dark handsome stranger and take a trip over water.
c) Schumacher will win.

As the red lights go out and the race begins, commentators the world over claim that they will shut up and let you listen to the start but don't. Coulthard gets a great start and goes past Frentzen so quickly that Heinz Harald goes back in time to the previous race and comes third again. As Villeneuve, checks his mirror, takes off the handbrake, checks his mirror again, signals and carefully eases out into traffic, Ralf "Ram-both" Schumacher is looking for likely targets. He can't decide between Michael Schumacher and Fisichella so he just Rams-both. The Irvinator is upset and impressed by Ramboth's prowess and decides to:

a) crash before he retires
b) retire before he crashes
c) try and get his leg over before the race ends

As things settle down after the first lap, we find Hakkinen:

a) leading
b) parked
c) giving his car a damn good thrashing

Verstappen:

a) has his bucket and spade out
b) is surprised that the corner worker won't let him borrow his bike
c) has replaced the www.verstappen.nl on his visor with www.ultranet.com/~mitchmcc

Half way through the race and Villeneuve is running in 17th. After a lightening Williams' pit-stop of 49 seconds, during which the team replaces most of the tyres, fills her up and has a quick cuppa, he rejoins the race in 3rd place behind Fisichella and Barrichello. Fisichella and Barrichello immediately spin off and blow up.

Seconds later, Jackie Stewart hits the 'nobble' button and Magnussen's engine explodes in a spectacular way ensuring Ford at least 10 seconds of coverage for their $50 million. Ford representatives later claim that they have:

a) egg on their faces
b) oil on their trousers
c) a fiver each way on the Renaults

As the race reaches a thrilling conclusion, Diniz makes a daring attempt to take 13th place from Morbidelli. They share a joke together as they walk out of the gravel trap arm in arm. Meanwhile, back at the front, Villeneuve is on the last lap with a 45 second lead. He slows considerably on the final lap, fully aware of the rule that the race cannot end before Bernie has finished counting the money. Finally, Bernie gives him a suspended ban, the signal that the race may finish, and Villeneuve crosses the line triumphantly. As the corner workers begin waving their flags in the traditional salute to the drivers, Villeneuve is given another suspended band for not slowing for the yellow flag. His suspended ban now lasts for his "natural life and the natural life of his first born son."

As Jacques climbs to the top step of the podium and removes his cap for the playing of Eau Canada (French for O Canada) it is apparent that:

a) his hair is more blond
b) he has more plugs
c) he's really good looking, clever, witty, incisive, very hairy and did I mention good looking, eh?

The day begins to wind down, spectators make their way home, Bernie offers the last two hot dogs for half price and, pocketing the extra $4.50 and three ketchup sachets, he goes home a happy man. As the perfect end to the perfect day, the CART race will not finish for another 8 hours so it's clear that F1 is better than CART.

EDITORIAL

There really is no editorial this week. I'm too upset about the news that the French GP will be replaced by the Korean GP! I suppose its fitting really. Renault is leaving F1 and Hyundai will begin their own F1 engine program. Now you won't have to look out of the window to see an ugly, broken down piece of crap by the side of the road - you can watch 'em on TV once every two weeks. (Apologies to Hyundai owners - not that most of them can read anyway. Actually, I shouldn't say that because I used to own one myself. The second saddest day of my life was the day that it was stolen. The saddest day was when the thieves brought it back! BADUM TISH!) (Has anybody noticed how you NEVER see a Korean driving a Hyundai!)

No, it makes sense really. What has France ever done for F1. I mean apart from practically inventing motor-racing. And founding the FIA. And giving us Renault and Peugeot. And Prost and Arnoux. Panis and Alesi. Elf and Ligier. Jean-Marie Balestre….. OK, so that's one for the Koreans - they didn't give us Jean-Marie Balestre but the French didn't give us Ecclestone and that should count in their favour.

Yes, its only fair really. The French obviously brought it on themselves by not smoking and drinking enough. I guess they were just too clever to be taken in by those red and white triangles, and Williams' "R.?" Yup. It's a good job the French government is looking after its people so well otherwise they might all smoke God-awful cigarettes, drink huge quantities of wine, eat more meat than anybody but the Germans and live about twice as long as your typical American health nut.

So we bid adieu to France and say... what the hell is Korean for hello? ...to Seoul.

Hmmm….seems like there was an editorial this week too.