Number 16, going on 17

DATELINE: Jordi, I have run a self-diagnostic on my positronic brain. Oops - sorry. That's a Data line.

F1 QUIZ

Ralf Schumacher doesn't know:
A) The length of his car.
B) The width of his car.
C) His arse from his elbow.
D) The way to San Jose.

RALF SCHUMACHER'S CONTRACT TERMS

He wears K-Mart underwear and is actually a very good driver. The only problem is that he drives for an Irishman and this has caused Ralf some confusion - his contract defines his salary in punts. Similarly Frentzen's contract is in German although he has failed to make his mark, Berger drives for an Italian team and is paid in leer-a and Villeneuve has a French engine which is why he thinks he's paid to be frank. (Its actually his boss who is really paid to be Frank).

STALLONE PRESENTS TROPHY AT MONZA

Sylvester Stallone was at Monza last weekend having just signed his movie deal with Bernie. Invited to present a trophy during the podium ceremony he gave a bottle of champagne to the Italian Prime Minister, kissed the CEO of Campari (who he claimed tasted like cough medicine) and congratulated the Clerk of the Course on a fine drive. Afterwards, he told Frank Williams that his car would look really nice when it was finished and claimed that he had really enjoyed the qualifying session and couldn't wait for the race to start.

In a rare, lucid moment Sylvester later told reporters that the movie would be about Jacques Villeneuve's 1997 season and, based on his recent performances, the working title would be "Shitty Shitty Prang Prang."

VERSTAPPEN JUST CAN'T WAIT

To get in the sand. First lap, first corner and we're singing "Oh I do like to be beside the seaside."

RALF'S SEXUAL PREFERENCES

For somebody famed for his complete lack of interest in sex, Ralf Schumacher really screwed Herbert but good, didn't he? Johnny claimed after the race that he's always walked that way. He reported that after being hit by the Jordan he was feeling "Bitter and Hissy" and suggested that Ralf go "Sssssit and ssssssspin."

STEWART TEAM MISSING IN ACTION

Ford complained to Jackie Stewart that at least when the engines were blowing up they'd get a few seconds on TV. It is believed that the Stewart team snuck out of the race early in order to beat the traffic jams. They were later overtaken by the traffic on the way home.

VILLENEUVE BACK ON TRACK

Having claimed two weeks ago that the major problem was not the 11 point deficit but was actually the weather, Jacques today claimed that the 10 point deficit was not a problem but the lack of macaroons in Austria was bound to cause problems when he tries to smuggle his butterfly collection into Germany while his goldfish is still suffering from jet-lag after the trip to Japan. Gianni Morbidelli said he knew exactly how Jacques felt.

EDITORIAL

This edition, I'm going to favour you with my own unique insights into the 1997 silly season. The Insider is of course privy to all contract discussions and I could tell you the complete 1998 line up right now if I wanted to. Of course, Ted MacCauley would then have to retract his claim to being the best thing since sliced bread and God's gift to you and I wouldn't want to put him in that position. Poor thing wouldn't know what to do with his ego if he couldn't flaunt it.

First the Fisi Fiasco. Benetton wants him, Jordan wants him, Mrs Fisichella wants him (but that's a different story). This one will be decided in court where the judge is expected to suggest cutting him in half with a sword. As everybody agrees Flavio's a real mother, he is expected to concede at this point.

Benetton are now trying to keep Berger by hinting at a Bridgestone deal for 98. Told that the team would provide him with new rubber next season, Gerhard asked for a gross of ribbed and two gross of French ticklers. Alesi said he wasn't that kind of boy.

BMW have finally announced officially that they will be back in 2000 with Williams. Williams have officially announced that they will suck for the next two years.

BAT have pulled out of the BAT/Villeneuve/Pollock super-team. As Villeneuve had never committed to this team anyway, it seems that it is now simply a load of Pollocks.

Ukyo Katayama is expected to sign for Stewart for 98 although nobody will notice whether this actually happens or not.