DATELINE: What is to the left of Hawaii, Alex?

F1 QUIZ

Ford's new slogan will be:
A) Have you driven a Ford, slowly?
B) Quality is Joke 1.
C) You can have any colour your like as long as its oil-smoke grey.
D) Veni, vidi, broki downi

UKYO KATAYAMA RE-SIGNS FOR MINARDI

Minardi announced today that Ukyo "Tiny Warrior" Katayama has been re-signed for the 1998 season. Asked for his comment Giancarlo Minardi said: "Who?" Reporters hurried to find a picture of the Japanese ace at which the Minardi team owner recalled "Oh yeah. That guy! Doesn't he drive for Tyrrell." Reminded that Katayama had a contract with Minardi, Giancarlo claimed that he was a loyal employee, an invaluable asset to the team and a close personal friend and as soon as he found out what his job was, he'd be much happier.

GIANNI MORBIDELLI RETURNS TO SAUBER

The World Championship chase has been shaken up again by the return of Gianni Morbidelli who has now recovered from the broken arm which sidelined him for the last three races. Morbidelli stated that he is fully recovered and is confident that he will win the remaining seven races this season. He went on to claim that he has made arrangements with Johnny Herbert, God and the "pixies from Dingle Dell" to ensure that neither Villeneuve nor Schumacher finishes any of the remaining races. Peter Sauber then asked Morbidelli to stop taking the pain killers. Morbidelli asked Peter Sauber to maintain a constant number of legs while talking to him.

PETER SAUBER MAKES HILL AN OFFER HE CAN'T REFUSE

Unfortunately for Sauber, being Swiss is not close enough to being Italian to make this tactic work. Hill visited the Hinwil factory last week and was offered a contract for next year but Sauber insisted that he sign immediately or the offer would be withdrawn. Hill fell for this ploy last year but he has obviously learnt his lesson. According to Hill, he will be visiting the Minardi factory next week where he "has a meeting with somebody called Don."

In a related story, Johnny Herbert revealed that they have discovered the problem with the Swiss cars - they can't get the damn things out of neutral.

STALLONE MOVIE UPDATE

Sylvester Stallone told reporters that he does not intend to use F1 cars or even F3000s made up to look like F1s. Instead he will use American muscle cars because he is a muscle-bound muscle-head who wouldn't know a musty mustang from a musky Muscovite, a mystical muscatel from a musical musketeer or a mussel from a mollusk if it muscled up to him and mussed his hair.

WHAT IF...

Hill _did_ win a race for Sauber? Would the headlines be "Hill Win for Hinwil?" What if Hill and Blundell drove for a new team based in Los Angeles? Would they be called the Beverly Hillbillies? What if Jarno drove Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? Would we describe him as Trulli Scrumptious? What if Gerhard was invited to the unveiling of the new Williams? Would the headline be "Frank has Berger for launch?"

EDITORIAL

I was gonna lay off Jacques this week. I really was. But then he did his Frentzen impression and put his mouth in gear and stalled his brain. You know, if you're gonna stand up in public and say stupid things, you should expect some flack. Trust me, I know.

Apparently, not only was the Irvine/Frentzen crash at Hockenheim Eddie's fault, but it was also a huge mistake on Eddie's part. According to "He Who Must Be Allayed" Eddie was supposed to take out Villeneuve but he got confused and hit Heinz Harald by mistake. Now don't get me wrong, I love conspiracy theories. I believe in Area 51, the Grassy Knoll and the Magic Bullet. I've seen the black helicopters, been raped by ghosts and abducted by aliens. But this latest one? How exactly does it go?

Michael Schumacher, who was lucky enough to win two World Championships because Jacques was still messing around on the left side of the pond, is now so unsettled by the brilliant Canadian's 3 point deficit, that he has bought the nude pictures of Eddie Irvine currently being circulated on The Net (you know, the ones with Sandra Bullock) and he is using these pictures to force Eddie to join his dastardly conspiracy. Just in case Mutley fails to cut Jacques' brakelines before the race, Eddie has been instructed to Irvinate him. If he fails again, Penelope Pitstop will be tied to the railroad tracks.

Come on Jacques. Get over yourself. Not only did Eddie not punt you, most people think he was nerfed by Frentzen - not the other way around. So seems like the conspiracy theory should be on the other foot - you know, the one that you don't have in your mouth.

Now before all you Canadians pick up your keyboards and your mice and start firing up your flame throwers, let me make you this solemn promise. If Jacques doesn't say or do anything stupid for the next two weeks, I promise not to write anything nasty about him in the next Insider. What do you think the odds are?

(Jos Verstappen is on vacation and will return in two weeks).