DATELINE: I'll call you. (Oops - that's date lyin').

F1 QUIZ

Here's a brain teaser for you F1 fans out there. If Jos Verstappen leaves Manchester at 11:00 at 60 mph and Jacques Villeneuve leaves London at noon at 50mph, when will Villeneuve start whining about Verstappen's crash?

ECCELESTONE OFFERS TO HELP HILL

Bernie Eccelestone said today that if Damon Hill had any trouble getting a good ride for next year, he would be willing to help him. I'll bet Damon is really chuffed!!

Didn't Bernie try to help him last year? Having been 'helped' from Williams to Arrows, what further 'help' could Hill expect? Minardi? Forti? The pace car? The lawn mower for the Silverstone infield? What does Bernie pay his chauffeur these days? Is this a hitherto undefined use of the word 'help' or is Bernie starting to think that the entire world revolves around his wallet. OK, so it does have the mass and gravitational attraction of a small planet but money can't buy you everything. (I should point out that I'm not one of the things that can't be bought with money. I can. Offers on a postcard please. We are currently having a clearance sale on integrity and honesty).

SLY STALLONE BUYS RIGHTS TO F1 MOVIE

Does anybody else remember, right after the U.S. bombed Libya, when Rambo cancelled a trip to the U.K. because he was scared of terrorists? If he can bring that same comic touch to his F1 movie, then The Insider for one is right behind him. As you would expect, The Insider can bring you some exclusive information on the cast, to be officially announced shortly.

Stallone will of course play Ron Dennis just so that he can keep saying: "Yo! Adrian." George Constanza will play Villeneuve, Bernie will be portrayed by one of the Keebler elves and Max will be played by Don Imus.

The Williams pit crew will be played by the Spice Girls and Jos Verstappen will be played by Super Dave Osbourne. (If Curt Russell is available he will play Verstappen and the movie will be a sequel to the previous Stallone/Russell blockbuster: Man Go and Crash).

FISICHELLA TO BENETTON

It has been announced that Giancarlo Fisichella has signed for Benetton for the 1998 season. Gerhard Berger is expected to leave the team at the end of the season and Jean Alesi has given Alexander Wurz a pair of red sneakers and invited him to the running of the bulls in Pamplona.

MICHAEL JACKSON TO ATTEND GERMAN GP

The artist formerly known as a charming, talented, young man, will be visiting the German GP this weekend. He reportedly will discuss post-pyrotechnic hairstyles with Verstappen, nose design with the Prost team, changing colours with McLaren and effective child care with Eddie Jordan. The Insider can reveal exclusively that Jackson will help Frank Williams achieve a lifetime goal - Bubbles will be driving one of the Williams cars. It is left to the reader to figure out which one.

BERNIE ECCLESTONE BUYS A NEW SHIRT

One of the world's richest men, Bernie has gone out on a financial limb and bought another shirt. It's the same as his other one but it does mean that you will now be able to stand downwind of him and it should also mean an end to persistent rumours about exotic fuel brews being used in F1. Gerhard Berger stated that he only regrets that this move came too late to save his sinuses.

EDITORIAL

The responses to my editorials continue to pour in and all I can say is: Same to you, buddy! I'd particularly like to thank the entire nation of Holland, at least all the 13 year old boys, who all wrote to tell me that Jos is going to be World Champion as soon as he gets a car which doesn't crash. Special thanks go to those who included four letter words and/or offers of a fight. (A "Special Mention" to the epsilon-minus that flamed me in Dutch!)

Apparently, the JOS THE BOSS!!!!!! ™ Fan Club (isn't a fan a thing that spins a lot?) has over 10,000 members according to member # 10,035 (by the way, I'm still waiting to hear from numbers 6,452 and 10,027) and they all want to beat me up, insert something or have my baby!

Of course, in Canada I'm much more popular although the fact that people seem to think I'm American is damaging my credibility somewhat. And boy, Canada! You have to get over that USA complex of yours. I mean, I know they treat you like the 51st state and all that, but sometimes you do kind of ask for it.

Actually, one of the most interesting things to come out of all the flames I received was the fact that almost everybody made some derogatory comment about my being an American. Please note that the U.S.A. that appeared after my name referred to my geographical location, not my geo-political loyalty.

I'm as American as apple pie - with custard! I am, in fact, half Albanian, half Albertan and the other half Albino. So please feel free to flame away on that basis.

To all Americans, let me just say: I feel your pain. (I also squeeze your cantaloupes but that's a story for another time).

I'm thinking I should have Jerry Seinfeld help write this column. That's what I'm thinking.