Number than a charley-horse on a rocking horse.

DATELINE: Right here, right now! C'mon buddy, let's go!

F1 QUIZ

A yellow flag means:

a) never having to say you're sorry
b) the corner worker is displaying appreciation of your hair color
c) what yellow flag?

INSIDE INSIDER NEWS

We at Insider World Headquarters, have to apologize for the lack of a Suzuka issue. But look at it this way, the Insider is, at the end of the day, a complete waste of time. We have therefore saved everybody in the world 5 minutes of non-productive time. The way I figure it, this extra productive time at, say $20 an hour, means the world owes me about $8 billion. Please make cheques payable to Mitchell McCann.

And talking of me…please note my comments in the last edition regarding yellow flags for Jacques and Williams' leisurely pit-stops. (Ignore the bits about Jacques winning. Thanks).

GERHARD RETIRES

Your berger's done. (Sorry, last chance ever for a Berger joke).

VERSTAPPEN NOT YET CONFIRMED

Contrary to popular (Dutch) opinion, Jos has not yet been confirmed at Tyrrell for 1998. Uncle Ken is still going through his list of candidates. I got my call yesterday and he is expected to get to the V's by the end of February.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "J.V." of Monaco, Canada

Racing back to the yellow? Wrong series!

UNLIKELIEST HEADLINES - WE HAVE A WINNER

Referring to Villeneuve's rebel image and Williams' appeal of the Suzuka disqualification, a recent newspaper headline, spotted by alert reader Miss Becky Ernlestone, read:

"Villeneuve is revolting, Williams is appealing."

It is believed that this is the first time that Frank Williams' has been described as appealing since his last visit to his bank manager.

TAG-HEUER HAS TIME ON THEIR HANDS

Following the unprecedented three-way tie in qualifying for the European GP, Tag-Heuer's employees were all required to stay late at the race track to double check their equipment. They all left at the same time.

SCHUMACHER WILL BE #3 NEXT YEAR

Jacques Villeneuve will wear the number 1 on his car next year and, as runner-up in the constructor's championship, Ferrari will take numbers 3 and 4. Dale Earnhardt was reportedly very happy that the tradition would continue.

THE STUPID SCHUMACHER BROTHER

The FIA has asked reporters to refrain from using the above phrase. Apparently, it has become to difficult to tell who it actually refers to.

NEWSFLASH

Sorry I couldn't get this news to your earlier but apparently all the drivers think this is a really difficult track to pass on. (Most of them think water is wet and some of them know enough to come inside when its raining).

EDITORIAL

Well there's only one thing to talk about this week. Did Schumacher really try to deliberately punt Villeneuve? After that we'll move onto: did Clinton really inhale, is the Pope Catholic and did eight out of ten owners, who expressed a preference, really say their cats preferred it?

I am one of those who thought Schumacher was guilty of cheating, one way or another, in 1994. Since then my opinion of him has changed gradually to the point where I was actually pulling for him this year. However, in one split second, when the chips were down, the marbles were all in play and the metaphors were not so much mixing it up as waiting in line for their turn, he revealed his true colours and, with a clarity which could only have been bettered by a thought bubble, laid bare his inner workings for all the world to see.

Thought #1. Oh dear, I seem to be in second place.

Thought #2. Maybe I should just punt him.

Thought #3. How could you even think su…..

Thought #4. Yes! I really should just punt him.

Thought #5. Oh dear, I seem to be in second place.

Of course, seeing a rammed rival drive off into the distance is not a new experience for Michael but seeing said rammed rival come back around again, and again, and again, must have conjured up some sobering thoughts such as: oh dear, I seem to be in second place. Yes Michael, first of the losers. Never was a title more thoroughly deserved.

The most heartening thing to come out of this is the number of tifosi who were appalled by Schumacher's actions and were pleased that Villeneuve was able to complete the race. They can still look forward to a hard-fought, well-earned title that Enzo would have been proud of. Michael can look forwarded to a reputation very similar to that of Senna's. Not quite as good a driver but a slightly better cheat.

And talking of people who didn't cover themselves with glory this week-end…Where are the draconian penalties to be handed out to anybody who wanted to play dodgems on Sunday? What's up, Bernie? Don't really want to have Ferrari ham-stringed at the beginning of 98 by a three race ban? Talk about artificially leveling the playing field! What's next? Full course yellows? How about a little NASCAR style rules tinkering? What the hell, lets go the whole hog and make it a spec series!

NEWSFLASH. Well, what do you know? Since I wrote the last paragraph, the FIA has actually summoned Schumacher to appear before them next month. It seems to me that there are a few possible reasons for this:

1. The FIA intends to make good on their word and will ban Schumacher for 3 races next season.

2. Max had a little fender-bender on the Paris ring-road and he wants Michael to explain to the judge why it was the other guys fault.

3. He's to be fitted with his FIA-issued black cape and hat. He may also receive lessons in 'sinister laughing' and 'tying blondes to railroad tracks'.

4. Bernie wants to see if Michael's wallet is as soft and comfortable to sit on as his own.