DATELINE: Hi. Do you come here often? Can I get you some dried plums on a string?

JACQUES DOO IS DO-DO

A lost bet? Frank's punishment for driving like Miss Daisy? A desperate attempt to deflect attention from the bald patch which is growing faster than his points total? Who knows. This is just some of the speculation concerning Villeneuve's new Billy Idol 'do'. The Insider set out to learn the truth behind the mystery. Unfortunately, on the way we passed a couple of pubs which seemed like a much better way to spend a drizzly afternoon.

Nevertheless, the Insider can reveal exclusively that sources close to the dart board at the Punch & Judy, claim that "Hot In the City" was written by Curt Colbain and was the anthem of a new generation. Sources close to the men's room revealed that the sources close to the dart board had been drinking non-stop since yesterday lunchtime and the anthem of a new generation was actually Pepsi. Sauces close to the cutlery were tomato, tartar and worcestershire. Saucy behind the bar was Molly.

OLD NEWS IS NO NEWS

Everybody's favourite munchkin, Eccles the Younger, today announced that there would be no GPs in western Europe if tobacco sponsorship was banned in the European Community. He then threw himself to the ground, kicking his feet and screaming at the top of his lungs until he was sick. He was sent to bed without any supper.

JORDAN ANNOUNCE DEAL WITH MUGEN HONDA

Jordan's announcement that they will have the Mugen Honda engine for the next two years is the initial step in the first "F1 Ritual Divorce" of 1997. Following the Jordan announcement, we can now await the offical announcement from Peugeot that they weren't going to supply Jordan anyway. Jordan will then announce that the Honda is expected to be faster, more reliable, more powerful, sweeter smelling and less fattening than the Peugeot.

Peugeot will then announce that Honda couldn't design a wheel unless somebody gave them the plans. Honda will then claim that Laura Ashley could design a better engine than Peugeot. Peugeot will then blow raspberries at Eddie Jordan and Jos Verstappen will drive his car into the gravel. (The last has nothing to do with the Ritual Divorce but it will happen anyway).

The next expected Ritual Divorce will be Hill and Arrows shortly followed by Villeneuve and his World Championship aspirations.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT

What I really really want. So tell me what you want, what you really really want. I'll tell you what I want what I really really want. So tell me what you want what you really really want. I wanna, I wanna, I wanna I wanna I really really really wanna see the person that wrote these lyrics sentenced to a life term cleaning the gravel out of Jos' underwear.

BARRICHELLO BLAMES GROOVED TYRES FOR CRASH

After a heavy crash while testing the new grooved tyres, Barrichello has blamed the tyres for the severity of the crash which was so severe that he walked away from it completely uninjured. According to Barrichello, the tyres caused the suspension to break. The tyres then caused there to be a corner and they then caused him to spin into the gravel. This is of course contrary to the expected behaviour of slick tyres which never, ever spin into the gravel even when the suspension breaks. He reported a severe loss of grip just as he left the track. This apparently was because of the tyres and not the fact that grass is more slippery than asphalt.

Jos Verstappen has copywrited this excuse.

Italian prosecutors announced they will be charging the tyres with culpable indifference. Told that the crash took place in England, they announced that they will prosecute the British people for obstruction of justice.

SENNA TRIAL UPDATE

On the subject of Italian jurisprudence, the prosecution of Senna's alleged murderers, sorry manslaughterers, continues at a frenzied pace. A hearing has been announced for mid-October to determine when the next hearing will be. At this point in the trial, the prosecution is maintaining its "super-secret" strategy. All the damning evidence is being kept super-secret until after the trial so that the outcome will not be prejudiced by the facts. Prosecutors told the court that their next witness would be Enzo Ferrari. Told that he was dead, they claimed that this was evidence of a widening conspiracy and demanded that those responsible be brought to justice. The judge then granted a motion for summary judgement, reversed himself, belched, excused himself and recused himself on the grounds that this was getting really silly.

EDITORIAL

Another week, another opinion. This job is SO demanding. Actually, if it was as well paid as it is demanding, well the price of liver would double when the navy was in town!

A wise man once said: "It is possible to have an unspoken thought, you know" and in that spirit I have decided to spare you another one of my sermons and devote this week's editorial to viewer mail. When Atlas first contacted me about having the Insider published at their site, they promised me a wider audience. At first, I wondered how they knew how fat their readers were. Now I know what he meant. They meant thicker, not wider. (I don't mean you, of course - you're wonderful. In fact, you're so wonderful I'm going to send you your very own (slightly used) Spice Girl).

Now much of the mail I got after the last issue was really interesting - like the pictures of that young lady in front of grandstand 11, thank you - but some of the rest……Let me address some of the points raised, if I may.

OK, so maybe I do wear my underwear on the outside on occasion but which of us can honestly say that they don't want to be like Superman!

When referring to my work I prefer that you use the term "inspirational flushings."

Yes, a week is a long time in politics but politicians only have to make stuff up and lie through their teeth - I have to do the laundry as well.

No! I only use it to sharpen my pencils!

And yes, Mum, I did wash behind my ears.