Number one in my heart. (Number thirty seven in my lower intestine).

DATELINE: Kiss me, Hardy. Oops, sorry - that's a fate line. ( I know, that's a bit obscure but you bright students can explain it to the kids in the back).

VERSTAPPEN ON A SPINLESS STREAK

Commenting on the huge gravel traps at the new A1 Ring and the fact that he didn't DNF, Jos Verstappen remarked: "Gravel, gravel everywhere and not a spot to spin."

HILL SACKED BY ARROWS, SNUBBED BY PROST

Following Jordan's announcement that Damon Hill signed for them two weeks ago, Clinton has rushed out a statement that he was never interested in appointing Hill as Ambassador to Mexico, Apple claimed that he was never considered for the position of CEO and Michael Jackson claimed that he never considered Hill as a potential mother for his next child.

Alain Prost is reportedly very upset about Hill's negotiating tactics. If Prost was indeed out-foxed by Hill, who clearly demonstrated his negotiating 'prowess' last year, one can only conclude that a meeting of these two great minds must closely resemble an episode of the The Three Stooges (you know, the one where Larry got poked in the eye).

MICHAEL DOUGLAS PRESENTS CHAMPAGNE

Michael Douglas was the latest in a long line of celebrities who have attended recent GPs fueling speculation that these distinguished guests will appear in Stallone's upcoming F1 movie. According to our sources, Bernie Ecclestone has requested that Douglas play him although it is reported that Douglas has insisted on a body double for the sex scenes. Already confirmed are David Letterman as Berger, although he's balking at having to lose any more hair for the role, Dennis Rodman as Villeneuve, Michael Jackson as the manager of the Lost Children Department and Sylvester Stallone as John Rambo - the fastest race-driving commando with mental problems this side of Dale Earnhardt.

TONY GEORGE WANTS A GP AT INDY

Their parallel quests for total domination of motor racing and ownership of all the money in the world collide as Tony George and Bernie Ecclestone discuss a Formula One race at the Indianapolis speedway. Many had thought that F1 would never again contemplate racing on an oval but Ecclestone would of course consider racing in a swamp if there was a mega-buck to be made. TV rights to the negotiations have already been sold to a cable channel that nobody has ever heard of and that nobody actually gets. The space of Bernie's forehead is still available for sponsorship although both cheeks have already been taken. So have the ones on his face.

EDITORIAL

There will be no editorial this week. With back to back races for the first time this season, The Insider needs several days to move the 6 truckloads of equipment from Austria to Germa……I mean, Luxembourg. And talking of Luxembourg….Is anybody else sick of the way the schedule is set up. First of all there's this whole San Marino/Luxembourg/European/Pacific sham. The rules say 1 GP per country. What's the point of a rule if you're gonna be so obvious about breaking it. And what about poor Portugal. Every time I read the on again off again story of the Portuguese GP I got a mental picture of a little boy pulling the legs off a spider. "You get a Grand Prix. You don't get a Grand Prix. You get a Grand Prix. You don't get..."

I don't know whether it was the FIA's fault, the organizers or Bernie's (although you can probably guess where I would place my bet) but I do know that the average punter who just wanted to see a race must have been pretty P.O.'ed by the time the powers that be finished yanking his chain.

And now we hear that Croatia's gonna get a race although Britain, Germany and France might lose theirs. Makes perfect sense of course. Given Croatia's rich tradition in F1 and the fact that Britain, Germany and France have contributed virtually nothing in terms of teams, personnel, drivers and fans why wouldn't Croatia, playground of the rich and famous, get its own GP. Actually, given his somewhat nervous attitude towards terrorists, do you think our Sly would be able to make it to the first Croatian GP.

Once again, we see Bernie, who coincidentally is married to a Croation, manipulating the sport for his own personal benefit. This move wouldn't even benefit his fellow millionaire team-owners let alone the lowly fan.

I know Bernie invested his own money and took a gamble to put himself in the position he's in now and I know it's the team owners who have invested their lives in this sport. But its about time they realized that if it wasn't for us common, TV-watching, ticket-buying, cap-wearing, flag-waving fans they wouldn't have such a glorious sport to invest in. They'd still be racing their Mini Coopers round the local parking lot on a Saturday afternoon. Bernie didn't make F1 what it is today. We did. F1 would've survived without Bernie, it wouldn't have survived without us. Its about time they started treating us accordingly.

I guess there is an editorial this week after all. (Does that count as a Ramble, Rory?)