Startling news!
There's going to be a new player in Formula 1 next season. The Gordon team is coming to F1!
What's so startling about that? Let me start with our sponsors. We have managed to sign agreements with every major and minor cigarette company, with every major and minor alcohol company, with every major and minor hamburger company, with every major and minor music and record company, with every major and minor condom company and with every major and minor technology company. Basically, if there's a sponsor - oops, sorry, "partner" - that's worth having in F1, we've already got an exclusive agreement with them.
With all these partners having joined us, we were then able to go out and sign up every major current driver in F1, along with most of the IndyCar drivers, the F3000 drivers, the F3 drivers, and even some former F1 drivers. Basically, if there's a driver that's worth having in F1, we've already got an exclusive agreement with them.
Our future expansion plans are looking at signing up all the personnel involved in F1: designers; mechanics; engineers; managers; cooks; publicity people; bottle-washers - the whole lot.
For this coming season, we shall make available to any team our drivers and partners, on a race-by-race, highest-bidder-wins basis. All bids will be considered and we shall undertake to supply a driver, a major sponsor and a minor sponsor to any team that lodges the appropriate bid. Any team that doesn't submit a bid, can go and find their own drivers and sponsors - and good luck to them!
Okay, so my tongue has been planted firmly in my cheek. None of the preceding paragraphs bear any resemblance to the truth in any mean, manner or form. (By the way, can you spot the fallacy in the whole thing?)
What got me started on this was that the F1 "Silly Season" has been getting worse and worse, and starting earlier and earlier, every year ... or so it seems.
What made 1995 seem worse than usual was that the whole sequence of events hinged on one driver - Michael Schumacher.
Rumours bounced up and down pit lane. Depending on who you talked to, when you talked to them, and where you talked to them, you got a different answer each time. Naturally, everyone knew someone who KNEW, on the best authority, that Schumacher had signed with such-and-such team - "He told me so himself" - truth never gets in the way of a good rumour.
Silly Season does disturb F1. Until the game of musical chairs for the seats in the major teams is finished, every better driver (that includes the major drivers as well as those who are seen as being up-and-comers) is in the position of not knowing what he'll be doing the next season.
This has to affect their performance on the track. They may decide that a wavering team needs a little "convincing". So the driver then goes into a corner a little harder than he would normally, and ends up in the gravel trap, so convincing the wavering team - but not in the way the driver intended!
And don't get the idea that the teams are just looking for drivers, either. Sure they may sign a particular driver, but then they can turn around to their sponsors and say, "Hey! Look who we've got driving for us next season! If you want to stay with us as sponsor, it's going to cost you quite a few extra dollars."
Is there an answer to all this? Perhaps a "rule" that there are to be no contract negotiations until after the final race of the season? It's been tried in other sports, and it just doesn't work.
What about this situation? A team manager could be seen having a conversation with a driver. They could just be talking about their engines, or the tyres, or even some attractive lady they have both just seen.
Or they could be having an informal discussion about the team's and the driver's plans for the next season. Who knows?
How could you control it all? Obviously, the line between contract negotiations and a friendly chat can be very fine.
What makes the situation all the more ridiculous is that there are supposedly "contracts" in F1. A driver signs with a team for three years - and then joins another team after only a single season. Or a team signs with an engine manufacturer for three years, and then switches to another engine after only one year. Or the driver's contract with one team gets "sold" to another team.
At the times when there are no races on, all this certainly gives the drivers' agents some headaches, and the F1 journalists something to write about (they can say just about anything, and get away with it, because no-one wants to categorically confirm nor deny anything).
Perhaps my opening few paragraphs aren't so ridiculous after all. Perhaps there is a case for someone (I wonder who I could be thinking of here?) to buy up all the drivers and then dole them out to the teams as they see fit ... or get paid.
So where does all this that leave the average F1 fan? Well, to be realistic, we might as well sit and twiddle our thumbs. As the season progresses, there may be a few formal announcements, and there'll be some more before the next season starts.
But the real crunch time will come when the cars line up on the grid for the first race of the next season. Only then will we really find out who is driving for who.
On the other hand, all the permutations and combinations of seating arrangements will continue unabated, and I'll continue to keep track of where each driver is supposed to be going for the next season.
After all, what is the point of Silly Season in F1 if we can't have a little fun by playing our own games of musical chairs?
But that's just me.
PS. What was the fallacy? Think about Team Gordon's sponsors. We've signed them up, got their money and used that money to get the drivers. But then we're going to "sell" the sponsors to the teams. So, either the sponsors are doubling their outlay, or Team Gordon gets the money and then has to give it to the teams - which means that they don't really have the money.