ATLAS F1   Volume 6, Issue 48
  The Winter F1 Insider
by Mitchell McCann, U.S.A.


A long time ago, in a newsgroup far, far, away...

It occurred to me that much of the discussion was boring, repetitive and ill-informed. And that was just my contribution. In an effort to alleviate some of the more predictably, contentious postings, I put together a standardised post for the benefit of the entire newsgroup community.

Now, five years later, it occurred to me that not only isn't there anything for me to write about this week but also that some members of our own beloved Atlas F1 bulletin board might appreciate the same sort of thing. And so, without too much more further ado, here it is:

THE ATLAS F1 BULLETIN BOARD HANDBOOK:
HOW TO KNOW IT ALL WITHOUT REALLY TRYING

As there seems to be a lot of noise (© AOL) on the BB, especially right after a race, I thought I would make a form for a generic post, to cut down on the need for you to think about what you're posting.

This form should be used to post your opinions, and in fact, after you've used this form a couple of times you should be able to post your thoughts on a race without thinking at all - which of course will be no change at all for some people.

For the most efficient use of this form, print it off, fill it out, put it in a self addressed envelope, and slip it down the back of the fridge.

Thank you for your co-operation.


Please check the boxes that apply and fill in the appropriate blanks.

1. What a great lousy race. (You may check both boxes because it seems the participants on the Bulletin Board generally watch two completely different races anyway)

2. Schumacher did didn't deserve to win.

3. is a very tough track to pass on. (Mandatory - please fill in the name of this week's venue)

4. Please check one of the following:

    Schumacher should have won because:
    1. of the divine right of kings.
    2. The rules say he should, don't they? Don't they?
    3. Well the rules don't apply to him then. Never did. Never will.
        (Are you German (Y/N))

    Verstappen should have won because:

    1. he is the greatest driver since Henry Ford
    2. he is the best thing since sliced bread
    3. JOS IS THE BOSS (insert fan club membership # here________)
    4. Its just a shame that he:
      1. crashed
      2. spun out
      3. spun out and crashed on:
        1. lap one.
        2. the warm up lap.
            (Are you Dutch (Y/N))
            (Is the Pope Catholic (Y/N))

    Hakkinen should have won because:

    1. he's the best driver in the best car
    2. well, he's in the best car at least
    3. his name rhymes with Happy Pen
        (Are you Finnished (Y/N))

5. Check one:

    Schumacher is a cheating bastard who isn't fit to drive Mika's golf cart.

    Hakkinen is a whiny bastard who only got where he is today because Michael Andretti's American.

6. Minardi is:

    An embarrassment to the sport and should be banned
    Doing very well considering their tiny budget
    Going once, going twice...

7. The membership of this Bulletin Board is getting:

    More diversified
    Bigger
    Denser
    on my nerves

8. The next piece to fall off a Prost will be:

    bigger than the last one
    smaller than the last one
    funnier than the last one
    not at all surprising

9. Check one:

    They should ban re-fueling because it's dangerous.
    They shouldn't ban re-fueling because I'm looking forward to the big one.

10. I am in favour of an inverted grid. The fastest cars should:

  1. start at the back of the grid
  2. be inverted.

11. I think posting to the bulletin board in any language should be allowed because:

    doon ze haarben in de groot
    al este cestanze de la joya
    la plume de ma tante est dans le jardin

12. Points should be awarded for: (you may check as many of the following as you like)

    the first six finishers
    qualifying
    lapping back markers
    spinning
    crashing
    spinning and crashing
    being Japanese
    not being Michael Schumacher
    making the tea
    driving a Minardi

13. Atlas F1 t-shirts:

  1. are a real bargain and won't last long at this price
  2. are made of second hand balaclavas and won't last long
  3. are a figment of Paul's imagination
  4. will be ready by Christmas

14. Defining one's worth by the quantity of one's posts is like:

  1. oh wait a minute! I just became a Gold Member. WOO-HOO!

15. Pit stops are:

    stupid
    boring
    stupid and boring

16. Mitchell McCann is:

    stupid
    boring
    stupid and boring
    witty, charming, erudite and incredibly good looking


Please read, recite, sign and return the Atlas F1 Gold Members credo:

    I believe Schumacher is the driver, the one true driver. Except for Senna, of course. He was better. No he wasn't. Yes he was. No he wasn't! YES HE WAS! (What about Fangio?)

    McLaren are cheating and Ferrari are bleating.

    Made in France is a label that should be used for wine and croissants like at that really chic French restaurant, Au Bon Pain.

    England is the center of global motorsports. So is Indianapolis. And so is Maranello.

    France is a country in Europe.

    When Ferrari say they'll win the championship next year, you can take that to the bank. The bank might tell you to put it back where you found it but don't take no for an answer.

    Peugeot will never, ever, EVER be back (probably) and Ferrari will win it again. It'll probably be Rubens next year if he gets equal treatment. No it won't. YES IT WILL... (What about Fangio?)

I believe everything I read on the Bulletin Board.

Signed___________________________________________________

Please ensure that you use this form for all future posts. By my calculations, use of this form should reduce the noise on the Bulletin Board by about 96.4%. (Please bear in mind however that 68.3% of all statistics are made up on the spot.)

Mitch McCann© 2000 Kaizar.Com, Incorporated.
Send comments to: mccann@atlasf1.com Terms & Conditions