ATLAS F1   Volume 6, Issue 27
		The Formula One Insider

FRANCE - is nowhere safe from NASCAR these days?	by Mitchell McCann, U.S.A.

THANK GOD ADELAIDE'S STILL ON THE CALENDAR I think by now you've probably realized that I'm not afraid to say what I think about the current state of Formula One. One of the things I'm particularly not afraid to talk about is the formula which, along with many of the tracks, confines any discussion of passing to statements beginning: "When I was a lad..." Strangely, Magny-Cours is the most despised track amongst drivers but has recently proved to be one on which passing is not only possible but is actually inevitable. All weekend we heard about what a hard track this is to pass on but I couldn't help thinking that the fast corner leading to a long straight followed by a tight hairpin was bound to produce the odd opportunity, wasn't it? And not only did we see passing, and not only did we see a pass for the lead (on the TRACK, by God), we also missed a helluva lot more passing because, like the in-car camera shots, they're really not that interesting and not at all the sort of thing that your typical F1 fan likes to see. Fortunately for us, the use of in-car cameras, or the lack thereof, was more than made up for by the new development of the nostril-cam. This fabulous device allowed us to get right up Jean Todt's nose, which must have reminded him dearly of Eddie Irvine. Actually, this innovative camera position did prove its worth as we got to see the look on Alain Prost's face as his team flubbed another pit-stop. Funnily enough, it was the same look that my Dad got when I'd bring home a report card - a peculiar mixture of "why me", "not again" and "oh my God, I'm French!" Which is strange because my Dad isn't French. DAVID COULTHARD - IRRESISTABLE FORCE OR IMMOVABLE OBJECT? I want to know when all the Jos fans got bored and moved to Scotland. Judging by my in-box it was about two weeks ago when David Coulthard, the living personification of that most famous Scot, Mel Gibson, stalled his car on the grid in Montreal. I, in my ignorance, thought that this was a pretty stupid thing to do but apparently I was wrong. According to my learned readers, it is unlikely that I myself could drive a F1 car six inches and it is therefore totally unreasonable to expect that any of the top 20 drivers in the world should be able to do the same. Now that I am in full possession of the facts, I understand how the same driver in the space of three races can go: win; can't-even-get-it-to-the-line; win. France may have been DC's best drive ever, certainly the best we've seen in a while. The move on Barrichello was outstanding and the repeated attempts on Schumacher were exciting and vigorously prosecuted. Schumacher has probably not experienced anything like that since Estoril in '96 whenVilleneuve went around the outside of him at the Parabolica. Of course the most impressive thing about his whole performance was the ability to give intricate signals to his opponent while simultaneously turning, shifting, accelerating and chewing gum. According to McLaren insiders, the signals flashed at Schumacher during Coulthard's first attempted pass meant something along the lines of: "Please be careful, I am driving with a hangnail. Did you brush your teeth before the race?" This was of course far more eloquent than Alesi who was only able to communicate to the beached Wurz that he shouldn't have had garlic for lunch. THE VERSTAPPEN WATCH This week, the Insider was granted an exclusive interview with the other JV which gave us the chance to report on the comments and asides that don't normally make it to the press release: TI: Jos, would you say overall it was a very disappointing weekend? JV: "Over all it was a very disappointing weekend. The car was not doing what we wanted it to do [and in the end we told it to sit, stay and didn't take it walkies] and it was generally hard for us [to keep a straight face]. At the start of the race [I could barely see the lights] we [formula first person singular] managed to make up some positions [we made up 1st and 2nd but Bernie wouldn't have it] but I had [an excuse] oversteer and it was difficult to keep up with the [backmarkers] guys in front of me [I couldn't even keep up with the guys behind me]. But the positions we made up [the Venus Lovetrap, the Flying Python, the Dutchman and the Dike,] are a positive point [which is one more than I scored] about this weekend. TI: But would you say you have to work hard now to get the car back on form again? JV: "But we have to work hard now to get the car back on form again". TI: Thank you, Jos. JV: Thank you, Jos. And there you have it. The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth from the best F1 driver ever to step into an Arrows this year. Apart from Pedro de la Rosa, of course. FROM THE MAILBAG This week's competition. Below are some excerpts from a letter sent to an F1 fan by attorneys representing a famous F1 team. Guess which team likes to treat their fans this way and win a tour of the F1 factory of your choice (as long as your choice isn't McLaren that is). [Blank] has had brought to its attention the Quick-N*** website... ...The site features a number of pictures of [blank] and of the [blankety blank] Team's racing cars... ...Furthermore, the livery of the [blank] team cars are artistic works... ...This livery was created at substantial expense and with the input of many man hours... ...It is important to note that [blank blank] has rights over the use of his image which are protectable in many jurisdictions. Therefore, imagery featuring [Terry Wogan] should not be used without the driver's express permission. Blah, blah, blah and so on until the threats at the end. So be aware. The liveries of F1 cars are artistic works which were not designed, at great expense and with the input of many man hours I might add, just to be gawked at by the likes of you, matey-boy. Next time you see an F1 car, don't even think about looking at it or its driver and watching images of artistic works on TV may subject you to triple damages and even the death penalty if using a VCR. The way you lot are carrying on anybody would think that F1 existed solely as a commercial venture designed to make you look at manufacturers trade marks. What on earth are you thinking!?

Mitch McCann	© 2000 Kaizar.Com, Incorporated.
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