The Formula One Insider

	by Mitchell McCann, U.S.A.

LOVE IS IN THE AIR Its Valentine's day and the F1 sap is rising. (No I don't mean Jos). You can just feel the love. Salo loves his Sauber, Zonta loves his Barrow, Schumacher Sr. loves Barrichello and Schuju? Lets just say the sheep don't sleep nights. Eddie J. loves Eddie I. and so does Eddie I. Verstappen loves his Arrows as only Verstappen could, and Bernie loves his money, as anybody would. Sorry. Got carried away, with the mood of the day, I couldn't stop rhyming, my rum needs more lime in, Tag-Heure does the timing, my mum does the ironing, Jacques does the whining and Irv gets the wine in. OK. I think I've got that out of my system now. No, it's wonderful to see the pre-season love in. Everybody loves their cars which are so much better than last year's but obviously not as good as next year's, which makes you wonder why they don't use next year's car now. Everybody loves their teammate and their boss and they want to have their engineers' babies. (Race engineers can't actually have babies because they spend too much time worrying about the ride height, they can't get enough traction and their wives complain about the excessive downforce. Not to mention that they frequently suffer from premature ignition). The F1 matchmakers have come up with the perfect couples whose unions will last at least another 26 days, 3 hours, 36 minutes and 39 seconds. (I have GOT to stop staring at the Atlas F1 news page). Salo and Diniz will start the season as equals, clearly a match made in Parmalat. Schumacher and Barrichello are a more traditional couple with Rubens promising to love, honour and obey and Schumacher promising to cheat, steal and be obeyed. They may actually make it as far as the first corner. Benetton's pair are the longest standing couple in F1 although Fisichella must be ruing the day he vowed 'for better or Wurz, in Benetton or in health, till two tenths do us part, so help me, Rocco.' Meanwhile, Jacques and Daannnii remain smitten by Cupid's younger brother, Stu, and are just good friends. VERSTAPPEN UPDATE It was bound to happen I suppose. Jos "No Stoppin'" Verstappen, topped the timesheets one day and now there's just no talking to Holland. Apparently, they want to cancel the whole season and just have the coronation right away. I pointed out to Holland, well, I was up to V in the Amsterdam phone book anyway (do you know how many V's there are in the Amsterdam phone book), that one test session does not a season make, and then Jenson Button went fastest a couple of days later and shot that theory to sh...(you know who). Clearly, test times are a clear indication of the performance we should expect over the coming season and I therefore propose that we cancel the whole damn thing and give Jenson the silverware now. (De la Rosa subsequently "SMASHED" the Barcelona lap record but that doesn't count because it was on a Sunday). FOCA BELIEVED TO BE SERIOUSLY MIS-SPELT Is anybody following this whole FOCA/EU/Morgan Fairchild thing? As near as I can tell, Bernie doesn't have enough money. Exactly what he doesn't have enough money for is unclear but it seems pretty certain that he doesn't have quite enough. So, as any of us would, he's trying to sell something that's not actually his. This is by far the quickest and most efficient way of getting enough money known to man (and politicians). OK, so what he's fencing was actually given to him by some other people but it's a little unclear where they got it from. Seems to me that this sort of a deal would have most pawnbrokers reaching for the panic button but apparently Morgan Fairchild is pretty interested in making money the old-fashioned way. (And I never thought she seemed like that type of girl). Anyway, the fact that somebody was making oodles of money upset the EU mainly because the somebody was somebody else and that somebody else didn't even have the manners and good breeding to know which palms needed greasing - which is where we get back to Morgan Fairchild. I think. The bottom line is, Bernie got fed up playing "they're my balls, they're bigger than yours and you can't play with them" with Spa-Francorchamps and decided to play with the whole of Europe. So now Morgan Fairchild is trying to figure out who has the biggest balls and who she should suck up to. The EU's standing with their hands in their pockets feeling cocky and the fansare bending over awaiting the usual treatment. BETWEEN THE LINES Back by popular demand, the Insider's between the lines interview where we tell you what they really said. This week, David Coulthard, in his own words: "My life is changing [and these hot flashes are driving me nuts] and it is a matter of getting a lot of little things right [going faster, not crashing, that sort of thing]. Last year Mika and I did too much promotional work [down at Tescos every other Saturday handing out cocktail sausages] and we have spoken to the team about it [they asked if we could bring them back some sausages]. I am not going to do all the extra, small business things [funnily enough, 'small business thing' is actually Bernie's nickname] I was doing [like cashing my paycheck, washing my balaclava, holding the door open for Mika]. "I just need more time for myself [and my Playboys] and I probably won't be going home to Scotland so often and things like that [things that are 'like going home to Scotland' include 'going home to Monaco', 'going home to England' and 'going home if I'm not in bed by midnight']. I have to give myself the best possible chance of winning the championship [I will win the championship before Ferrari does] and delivering Grand Prix wins [to Mika, gift-wrapped in a crumpled MP4-15]. The main thing I need is reliability [although ability might help too]. I joined the championship race [oh yes I did!] late last year because of reliability problems [you could rely on me to stuff it all up]. "I want to kick-start myself [as do many other people] so I have taken on Andy Matthews, who used to be Nick Heidfeld's trainer [and look what he's done for Nick - he's almost an F1 driver too]. He is making me work hard [I really don't think handing out all those cocktail sausages is helping much] and it's horrible, but I know it's what I need [That and a 30 point start]." IN OTHER NEWS... Floods, tornadoes, terrorism and death. All a damn sight more interesting than the F1 off-season but that's what I've got to work with. Max Mosley said that Jenson Button must get his Superlicense before the season starts. Jenson said he'd got a super license and a super wallet to put it in. And the wallet fitted in his super jeans, super back pocket just...superbly. Frank Williams was heard to mutter something about youthful enthusiasm being wildly overrated. Michael Schumacher's most recent test session was stopped due to a pain in the neck. Insert your own joke here - it's just way too easy. Although I will tell you that Schumacher said: "The cold wind entered through my helmet and my neck got stiff." It's a good job it wasn't blowing up his trouser leg. Alain Prost recently dumped his team's most recent sponsor saying that he was sick of everybody else in the paddock referring to his team as "that bunch of yahoos." Two BAR mechanics were slightly hurt on Friday when they were slightly run over by Ricardo Zonta. The Brazilian driver promised to try harder in the future. Minardi announced that Gaston Mazzacane will be their new driver. You can all unclench now. AND FINALLY... Questions have been raised as to the legality of Jordan's cockpit design. The FIA is reviewing the matter and a ruling is expected soon. (Here's a hint for those just joining us who haven't awaited an FIA ruling yet - Jordan's cockpit is the same as Ferrari's).

Mitch McCann	© 2000 Kaizar.Com, Incorporated.
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